Most of us, at one point or another, have difficulty expressing exactly what we’re feeling. Emotions can be difficult to identify even within ourselves. As such, finding the words to accurately describe exactly what we’re feeling can seem impossible at times. Often times people want to move on from “negative” emotions as quickly as possible, so they “let it go,” or at least they try to- and believe- that they have. We can try this by focussing on something else or simply telling ourselves that we no longer feel the way that they feel. The danger of “letting it go” before you’ve really felt tends to skip a few steps. Emotions have a natural progression and skipping steps can prevent healing. During such a difficult time, communicating during the COVID-19 pandemic brings about new challenges for everyone.
Understanding Emotions
Every emotion has a natural progression of escalation, peak, and de-escalation: the escalation phase is the building of emotion; the peak is the highest intensity of the emotion being experienced; and the de-escalation phase is when the emotion naturally flows out of a person after being fully felt. An emotion’s peak can be very mild and comfortable, like in the case of feeling happy about something, or it can be very unpleasant in cases of “negative” emotions like sadness and anger. People naturally want to avoid an unpleasant peak, so they try to “let it go” and often interrupt this natural progression.
There is certainly a place and time for trying to interrupt the escalation of uncomfortable, dangerous, or unpleasant feelings. This needs to be done in a healthy way and not by simply pushing down or ignoring one’s emotions. Learning to redirect some emotions is something that can be explored and practiced through therapy. As can learning to reduce the severity of emotional peaks. But emotion generally must be felt (at least to some extent) before a person can truly let it go. It’s important to remember that emotions aren’t “good” or “bad”, they just are. All emotions are there to tell us something. A “red flag” (if you will), to alert us to what is going on.
Communicating Emotions
Not every emotion needs to be expressed in order for it to progress. However, the act of expressing emotion, verbally or otherwise, can assist a person in the process of exploring an emotion. This allows us to move fully through escalation, peak, and de-escalation. Communication with yourself or others, is excellent practice in getting to know yourself better and understanding your emotions. It is important when communicating an emotion, that one takes ownership of their own feelings (especially when communicating a difficult emotion to another person). One tool that I often suggest to clients in order to encourage this is the classic I-Statement:
I feel ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
when ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
because ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I need / I want __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“I statements” are often taught to people in relation to healthy communication. As such, you may have come across this before, but it is important to note that not everyone teaches “I statements” in full. Simply stopping at, “I feel… when…” or, “I feel… because…” does not fully explore either the emotion or how to move forward together. I encourage you to experiment with this format on your own. This can help to improve communication skills with others and with yourself.
Experiencing Emotions
In the case of emotions that do not involve others, or simply are not appropriate or necessary to share with others, it is still important to express these feelings to oneself. If possible, it is helpful to communicate these verbally. While this does not apply to everyone, for those who can speak and can hear ourselves speak, the act of expressing one’s emotions verbally allows us to both process and hear the words that we say. It can also offer our bodies some measure of physical relief to express what we have pushed down and tried to bury within ourselves.
There can be a real learning curve in identifying and communicating your emotions at the best of times, and we are not living in the best of times at the moment. In the midst of a global pandemic, we find that the people we would normally share our emotional burdens with are already carrying heavy burdens of their own, and likely some of the very same burdens we carry.
New Communication During COVID 19
People tend to find that they don’t have anything new to say, since they have likely been indoors since the last conversation they had. This can lead to uncomfortable silences and a sense of pressure to have something to say. Sharing your feelings with them about COVID-19, a situation where you are probably already doing all that you can, can lead you both to feel more stressed than ever. It is also easy to get into a cycle of asking about what is new in their lives, them not having much of an answer, and vice versa, can leave you both feeling bored, restless, and/or more anxious than before. All of this can give us the tendency to avoid social connection altogether, so we are not connecting with the people we care about or expressing our emotions.
So how do we connect during this unprecedented time? How do we communicate, express, and move on from our emotions that are, at the moment, shared globally with no immediate resolution? No matter who you talk to right now, it can feel like everyone already knows how you feel, feels similar, and any attempt to communicate these emotions just makes everyone feel worse.
There is no one correct answer to these questions, but some suggestions that you may find helpful during this time can include:
Journaling
I know, I know, this is what therapists and counsellors always tell you to do. But it bears repeated in this bizarre world we have found ourselves in. For many of us, there is no more effective way to explore and express one’s emotions then writing it out. Many professionals in various fields suggest journaling regularly, and this can feel like a chore; I am not suggesting that you need to journal every day or even every week. You can journal anytime. Try it when you are feeling anxious, stressed, bored, or just when you need to work through something happening.
Speaking Aloud
As previously discussed, verbalizing your emotions can be very helpful, even on your own. Simply speaking aloud as you think through whatever you need to think through can be very helpful for many. This can be accomplished by talking to ourselves, our pets, and/or by talking to a camera, even if you delete the footage later.
Not speaking, and loudly.
There are times when emotions do not need to be identified or communicated with language to be felt and expressed. Sometimes we simply need to feel for a moment like we are expressing something that might not be specific. You can try something like:
- Listening to music very loudly and yelling along with it
- By singing a song without caring whether or not you are following the melody
- Or sitting in your car/somewhere where someone is unlikely to overhear you simply screaming
You may feel silly, and like there isn’t a real purpose behind this. But the truth is that your body will likely experience physical relief as it hears the expression of intense emotion. This is an option that you can try whether or not you are in the position of being able to connect with others, no matter what your abilities are in regards to verbally expressing your emotions, and whether or not you are a member of the Deaf Community.
Being as quiet as you like, but with abandon
Some of us prefer to express ourselves in ways other and there are also those of us who are unable to express ourselves verbally, produce sound, or produce sound in the same way that others can. We can also express our emotions in a physical way. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, but the key is doing whatever you do with abandon. Some examples might be:
- You can punch a pillow
- Run like nobody is watching
- Jump
- Climb
- Throw yourself into your bed or onto your couch
For those of us who have limited mobility, moving fast and/or being surprised with movement can give us the same physical sense of abandon, and can include enjoying a ride in a fast-moving vehicle with windows down (keeping safety and driving laws in mind, of course), or temporarily handing control to someone we trust in order to be spun, lifted, pushed, etc. (again, in safe conditions only)*.
The idea is to use our childish wisdom to express ourselves in the ways that we used to. Children can’t always understand or express their own feelings, but they do the best they can, by physically embracing their world with abandon. We can do the same.
Connection without COVID-19
You can still connect with the people you care about and spend time with them, even if virtually for now. Why not establish a protocol with your friends, family, and the people you’re close to about connection without a COVID conversation? This is a great time to experiment with ways to find a new normalcy with virtual communication and connection, with or without COVID-19, and perhaps your connections will improve both during and after the pandemic.
Professional help
Sometimes the stress and anxiety that we experience—like the strain that we are all under right now—needs professional guidance. Right now, there are many virtual resources available for this. If you need somebody to help you talk through a crisis, I recommend calling or texting a crisis line. These services are provided by well trained volunteers, and are available 24/7.
You can read more about the Interior Crisis Line here, or simply call 1-888-353-CARE (2273).
There is a Canadian Crisis Text service that you read more about here. You can also text HOME to 686868.
There are also many different virtual and affordable mental health support services available during this time. BC residents can look here for a complete list of services provided by or recommended by the BC government. Additionally, most counsellors and providers of therapy and mental health support have information on virtual options. You can always ask a counsellor that you are connecting with whether or not they can offer you virtual services. Virtual options are becoming more secure and available as time goes on during this pandemic.
From all of us at Clarity Okanagan Counselling and Consultation, please continue to take care of yourself. Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay sane!
*Please note that I am in no way suggesting that non-disabled people take it upon themselves to surprise the disabled folks in their lives with movement! It is never appropriate to physically move another person without their explicit, enthusiastic, and prior consent, but this is especially important to many people with physical disabilities because of how their agency and independence can be threatened and/or impacted legally, socially, and economically over the course of their lives. The suggestions I make for people with limited mobility are for them to experiment with if they want to, not for non-disabled people to decide to implement on their behalf.