Non-monogamy relationships are still quite uncommon in the public eye. The “Traditional” relationship, though shifting in recent years, has always been described as two individuals in a monogamous relationship. Non-monogamy directly challenges that notion, and seems to really cause some discomfort in the general masses. You will hear people argue “the sex can get better” and “what about loyalty?”, but in truth, neither of these arguments necessarily negates the positive sides to non-monogamy. If you are finding yourself looking for more excitement, or perhaps feeling trapped in a monogamous relationship/world, and are thinking that opening up your relationships might be more fulfilling, or are just simply wanting to know a little more, then this article is for you!
What is an “open” relationship?
Most commonly, this relationship format refers to a partnership of two that takes on additional sexual partners outside of the primary relationship. This can be done together, or separately, but does not necessarily mean that there are other romantic/dating style relationships. “Open” is somewhat of a blanket term, so this definition may not fit with everyone who identifies as being in an open relationship. My experience is that people often identify as something more specific if they do not fit this definition, so for the purpose of this article, that is the definition we are going to go with.
Negotiation
How you are your partner go about an open relationship is entirely up to you. There are no “rules” or “guidelines” to this, and you will very likely find it will change as time passes. I am fond of the idea that we do not always know where our boundaries are until they are crossed. How you deal with this is the most important part. One significant point of discussion is around the “why” of opening the relationship. If you have been historically monogamous (as a couple or as individuals), why open the relationship now? An article worth a read on this topic can be found here.
Compersion
A very common occurrence with open relationship of any kind is what is known as compersion. This is a word that describes the feeling of joy/happiness we feel when we see someone else experiencing joy/happiness. In poly-type relationships, this often occurs when one partner is starting new relationship of some kind and is going through that stage of new relationship energy. Compersion describes the other partner feeling happy knowing their partner is happy. In an open relationship where a person is being added into the existing relationship as a sexual, or one person is seeking sexual encounters with others alone, this new joyful energy comes from having a really positive experience with another.
Jealousy
The opposite of compersion could be described as jealousy. It is important to note that jealousy, like any other emotion, is normal and often times occurs whether we want it to or not. The trick, again like with any other emotional response, is how we deal with it. Jealousy looks different from person to person, both in what causes it and how it manifests. It is one of those emotions that has a pretty negative reputation and is often seen as harmful or damaging to a relationship. Just like with anger, the important part is how we process it. Jealously does not necessarily indicate lack of trust, possessiveness or insecurity towards our partner but often times comes out and covers real emotions. Another option is that it serves to turn the fear inwards so we believe we are more unworthy than whatever/whoever we may be feeling jealous towards.
So…
Whether you are just starting out, or have been in an open relationship for some time, negotiation is a vital piece to success and relationship longevity.
Ask yourselves
- What do you need from your partner?
- What do you envision an open relationship looking like, or what is the purpose of opening the relationship?
- Do you and your partner agree on these things, and where do you need to find compromise?
- How are you going to deal with conflict, jealous, boundaries and veto power?
- What forms of relationships outside of your primary are allowed?
There are so many important questions to be asking yourself, and each other, to ensure opening your relationship is going to be mutually beneficial and safe. So start having these conversations as early on as possible. Most importantly, explore “what is our goal”. I believe this is something that is important to know early on so people are not surprised down the road. This can also help determine if you are well suited to venture this road together.