In therapy, 80% of the work is done outside of the office. Much with intimacy and connection, 80% of this happens when we are not having sex. If you are only taking time to connect with each other when you are naked, you’re not doing enough for the average relationship. We spend a lot of time talking about what you are doing for each other when you are having sex. So I want to explore what you are doing for each other when you are NOT having sex. What are you doing for connection without sex?
If you are finding you are struggling to connect, to perform, or to feel desire during sex, then we need to start looking at what is happening before and after the act. It amazes me how often I have someone in office discussing their struggles with sex with their partner who, once I dig a little deeper, actually has a lot of resentment for their spouse. I’m always so curious about how they put that aside in order to keep up their sex life. And the answer, almost always, is that they have yet to figure out how to do that. Then, they say “that’s why I’m here, I want to learn how to ignore that so I can enjoy sex with them again”. I wonder – why would you want to push that aside? Therapy is about working through things. It is not about learning how to ignore them.
Feeling Negatively Does Not Breed Connection
If you feel resentful, it’s unlikely that you are going to feel desire for the same person you feel resentment towards. If you are afraid, it’s unlikely you are going to be able to feel connection to them. Everything you do within your relationship is foreplay. If things are going well, and partners feel connected and cared for, they are going to be more likely to want to spend intimate time together. If people feel ignored, afraid, angry, resentful … they are far less likely to want to engage in intimacy or sexual acts. This does not mean they won’t, but that is a whole other can of worms to explore.
Resentment is one of the biggest barriers to having a connective relationship. Whether it be in sex or in every day life, when someone feels contempt or resentment towards a partner, there needs to be active engagement in breaking that down. It is not common for resentment to go away on its own – mostly it subsides into apathy or indifference. Disengagement is not the same as resolution.
Life as Foreplay
The way you speak to each other, the amount of attention you pay, and the way you show up when things are difficult is all connection and intimacy. If your partner(s) feel(s) seen, loved, adored, and supported, they are more likely to feel desire to be around you. This often leads to higher rates of arousal. Use the daily interactions, those small moments in between the big stuff to show appreciation. Fill your partners cup with love, in a way that resonates with them. They are also far more likely to reciprocate. I want to ask – do you know what your partner needs to feel loved and supported? If so, do you go out of your way to make that a priority for yourself?
Love Languages
I speak with a lot of clients about the Love Languages. Knowing what your partner needs to be fulfilled, then actually putting in the effort to do it makes such a remarkable difference. You can complete a quick quiz here and start a conversation with each other. A friend of mine said it best, once your partner(s) know your love language, it becomes a choice for them to decide if you and your relationship are important enough to make the effort to meet those needs. I ask you now, do you know what your partner needs? What do you need? What is presently missing most? Pick a spot and simply start talking. Turn towards each other, put down the defences and try to connect.
Why Me?
Another common question I get is “okay I know what my partner needs, but why do I have to be the only one working on this?” Well, you are the one researching it or going to counselling for it – someone has to take the first steps. I find more often than now, the people who come into counselling are the ones who feel like they have been doing ALL the work to restore a relationship. Counselling, so often, is a last ditch effort to see if the relationship is salvageable. One of the most difficult things I have asked clients to do is to try and “start over”. By this, I mean start over in the way you approach resolution. Instead of communicating the same way you have been, try something new. If you feel like you are putting in a lot of effort to make someone feel loved, ask yourself if what you are doing is actually what your partner needs.
At The End of the Day …
Someone has to be the one to take a step towards the other. Conflict will not resolve by being ignored. It also does no one any good to be defensive and combative. If you want to repair something, you need to approach it from a more strength-based perspective. Connection is not an easy thing to maintain. All relationships are comprised of individual people with their own needs and values. If sex is the only way you connect, you are missing out on so many other incredible ways to know or be with a person.