Relationships have such an amazing story to them. We meet this person who is a reflection of everything we ever dreamed. They see things in us that make their soul sing. We spend time getting to know each other, telling each other all the dreams and secrets that drift with us through this life. We find a counterpart in this world that would otherwise be terrifying and lonely. After some time, a romantic proposal and dream wedding. Honeymoon phase lasts longer than anyone said it would. We decide to have a baby. Money is not an issue because careers also exist from our early 20’s. Buying a house before baby arrives is just another thing on our achievable to-do list. We spend our lives together and, even through conflict, are able to grow old together still as in love as the day we met.
Did that bring a sense of longing, or fear? Did you want to run towards that dream or away from it?
Good news… that story is a Hollywood movie plot. One that tries to give feelings of hope, or longing. If you started feeling uncomfortable and like you wanted to run away, then you might be a person who challenges this concept as the only possible option to happiness.
We are taught, right from childhood, that the road to success and happiness involves education, career, marriage, and children. If you deviate from this, then you challenge the status quo. You might even find yourself constantly defending your choices to those who support you.
Many of the couples I see in office, who come in after years of dating or marriage, speak to a feeling of discontentment. They followed the happiness-prescription above and are still unhappy. They look at their partner that they have drifted away from and wonder “who are you?” Many call this phase the “mid-life crisis”. My first question is, did you choose your partner, or default into a life together?
What is Defaulting?
When we are dating, at any life stage, we are set on finding this “ideal” scenario. We sometimes mistake the person we have been with for a while, for a person we are meant to be with. I refer to this as defaulting. At its core, it’s deciding to spend time with someone simply because you feel as though that is the expectation.
Maybe we have been with this person for a few years and marriage is the next step, or we fear being alone or never being able to find the right fit, so we settle for the person we get along with most of the time. For some, having a family is a time-sensitive action and we feel like there isn’t time to find another person. We default into a forever promise with another because we think it’s “time”. Whatever the reason, anything short of actively and enthusiastically choosing someone, is defaulting. And this is unfair to you, and it is unfair to them.
Choosing a Partner
So how to we choose a partner? Before we can be connected, effective and present for another person, it’s important to know what we need for ourself. We need to know what we require from a relationship, and be prepared not sift through people that don’t to find the one that does. Often times, this person might not present exactly the way you imagine, either. With the world of online dating, this can be complicated. We decide who we choose to talk to based on what they look like, and how they chose to set up their profile, regardless of their qualities. Focusing on personal traits, values and life goals can open up a lot of options when it comes to finding a partner.
So how does one determine what they are looking for? Well, I always start by asking people what are their needs? Who meets those needs currently? How might a romantic partner meet those needs differently? Are there needs that cannot be met by anyone else? What is your love language? Knowing some of these answers gives you more weight when having those initial conversations. You know what to ask about, what to look out for in conversation and what to gauge on those first few dates. Communication is not an issue only for those in long term relationships. Knowing yourself is vital before trying to be in a successful relationship.
Choosing your partner comes from a place not of needing a companion, but of wanting to spend time with this person. People need to take a very serious look at where the compatibilities lay, and what you both struggle with in the relationship. Long term relationships take serious work, and require two people constantly choosing the other. This does not mean that growth over the lifespan does not change the way we can connect with another person, but defaulting into marriage or having children because you hope it will mend perpetual problems only keeps you on the path of conflict.