Boundaries are necessary guidelines which help us and others navigate relationships, whether between friends, family, or romantic partners. Boundaries provide a sense of predictability, consistency, and structure.
Think of it like living in a world without rules where no one knows what they are allowed to do or not. Relationships are similar; without knowing what people’s limits are, it is difficult to gauge how to approach them.
Self-awareness
The first step to setting up boundaries is being able to tap into your own set of values and preferences. Self awareness is a crucial process. It is the blueprint of boundary setting skills because it provides a framework. When you are self-aware it is easier to see what is important to you, and helps you to build strong and sustainable boundaries.
Self-awareness also helps to guide boundary setting because we are constantly changing and evolving. Setting boundaries without self-awareness is often a doomed process.
Your experiences can also form your values and preferences. Sometimes you will need to experience something before you can know that it has crossed your boundary. Being self-aware allows you to assess and analyze your experiences so that you can choose whether a limit has been crossed or not.
Know your limits
Once you have identified your values and preferences, it becomes easier to pinpoint limits.
What is too much, what is too little? What are the needs and requirements in a specific relationship? Allowing room to name the limits and be specific. To do that, you must be able to recognize what your limits and expectations are.
Be assertive
When establishing new boundaries or reinforce new ones, being assertive is crucial. If the message being interpreted is that the boundaries are not important or clear, it increases the chance that they boundary will not be taken seriously or respected. Assertive does not mean aggressive – it means to be precise, clear, and distinct. If you make the boundary easy to understand, the more likely others will accept and follow them.
When beginning to establish boundaries you should also expect some discussion. Setting a boundary with someone might mean that you are now crossing one of THEIR boundaries. Being assertive helps to clearly identify what everyone’s limits and expectations are.
Follow-through
Once you have communicated a boundary, it is important to stand behind it. As long the boundary is appropriate and within reason, being able to sustain the demand is the most effective way to solidify the boundary. Follow-through does not mean that boundaries cannot change. They can, and they should, when necessary. You can be flexible and should take the time to reassess your boundaries every once in a while. Once you have identified you values and preferences, if you have recognized that the boundary is necessary to be within the parameters of your limits, and you have communicated it clearly it now becomes the responsibility of the receiver to change their behaviour/responses.
Setting a boundary does not mean that others will accept or respect them. They will always have a choice to listen or ignore. But you can use boundaries to determine whether you think these relationships are worth keeping. You can use boundaries to assess your relationships and whether there is a need to change the way that you are showing up in them. Or, how much effort or time you are dedicating to it, and how valuable the relationship is to you if it is not respected.
Boundaries are difficult to set and maintain. There is no way to guarantee that it will be a smooth process. But boundaries are about setting your limits and allowing others to see how they can navigate your expectations.