The incredible access we have to high speed electronics that connect us to the world at large is nothing short of amazing. We can use electronics and the internet to do almost anything from anywhere, and the convenience factor is unlike anything else. We can use it to connect to other people, do our shopping, answer any question and watch countless funny cat videos. It allows us to duck out of the here and now and travel to endless corners of the world. Since this is not a tech-blog, let’s explore the impact technology has on connection, intimacy, and sex.
Creating Connection
Technology can be an excellent way of connecting to other human beings. Finding friends or potential partners, talking to people who share common interests, updating friends and family on our life, and so on. Dating websites, for example, allow us to open our circle to the world and let’s us make more informed choices about who we choose to spend our time with. We are also able to continue conversations over periods of day, weeks, months and sometimes even years without having to stop. Sending an email, text, or other message can be picked up by the other person when they are next available. This allows for long-distance relationships to have room to grow. Meeting someone who does not live locally, having a partner who travels for work, or someone who is deployed overseas – whatever the circumstance, can use technology to connect with people.
Disengagement
Other ways we use technology is to disconnect. With the world at our fingertips, it’s also easy to get lost in the information and entertainment of it all. If you think about what you are able to access online, it’s quite astounding. It’s fair to say it is distracting and seemingly minor when not considering the overall impact. Most of us do not consciously weigh out the risk when we pick up our phone/tablet/computer and check Facebook. We don’t think of the impact when we mindlessly refresh our email or play a round of that new game we have been trying. What we tend to not think about, is the impact this has after a period of time.
Even when it does not outright bother the other person, it causes disengagement between people within a space. We might be connecting with whatever we’re doing on the device, but we trade that for connection to the room in front of us. Everyone needs the space to disengage and it is okay to check out when needed, just make sure it’s an appropriate moment to do so.
How to Re-Engage With Intimacy
Cut-Off Time
Choosing a technology “curfew” is a good way to establish boundaries and ensure every one is on the same page. Having a cut-off time at night gives people a time to connect face-to-face. It also allows the brain to dial back, settle down and generally unwind before sleeping. Try making this time 2-3 hours before you sleep. Wind down together, being present in the moment.
Red-Zone
There is something to be said for having an electronic-free bedroom. Playing on a phone at night time wakes the brain up, and can increase the likelihood of poor sleep cycles. In addition, it also allows for easy disengagement when you can be spending this time connecting with your partner. Whether it be at the end of a day, or the beginning of one, use time in bed to talk, touch and sleep. If you use your phone as an alarm clock, trying leaving it on the dresser or purchase an actual alarm clock.
An alternative to a space being electronic-free, is set time electronic free. Plan a date night, or a day and spend it together, completely technology free. Make a rule that all phones are turned off or on silent during meal times. Whatever it is that works for you, implement equal expectations of each other. Offer gentle reminders of the rules while everyone gets used to the changes.
Speak, Don’t Text
Sometimes this is unavoidable, but try to have arguments and tense conversations face-to-face. Sometimes starting a conversation is difficult. This might be a moment where technology can really play a positive role in our connections. Use it to break the ice, just don’t have the entire conversation via text message or email.
Thinking-of-You
There are also a lot of positive ways technology can be used to re-connect with people. Sending someone a random note of appreciation or fondness is a nice, simple way to let people know you’re thinking of them. Increasing positive feelings for your partner throughout the day not only helps them feel appreciated, but you are more likely to look at your partner with fondness too. They might even send you a note or two in the future!
At the end of the day, as easy as technology makes our lives, it also makes it really easy to disengage from the world in front of us. Don’t neglect each other to the point of resentment or indifference. Touch often. Laugh together. Remind each other why you choose each other. Intimacy takes conscious effort most of the time. Do not forget to show each other how much you mean to one another.