We often think of loss and grief to be symptoms experienced after a death. We know when someone else has lost someone to death, that they are going to go through a grieving process and that we will need to provide support or understanding to them. The grieving process, while unique to everyone, has a fairly common path it follows. Though we may not ever really know what to say, or how to comfort someone, we understand death-grief. What about the grief that we experience through loss of a relationship, loss of future dreams, or loss of self? What do we know about grief when loss does not involve a death?
Side note: It could be argued that the term “death” could be used to describe these losses as well. The death of a relationship, for example. Let’s pretend, for the sake of this blog, to use the term “death” as the loss of life.
Loss of Relationship
Losing a close or important relationship to us can be very difficult. Whether this is a romantic relationship, friendship, or family-related loss, we are losing more than just companionship. Losses like these can be natural, or can be lead by one specific party as well, so each can look very different.
When we lose a close relationship with someone, not only are we losing their presence but we also, in many cases, lose the future plans we might have had. Think about a long-term romantic relationship for a moment. Most people plan their futures together. They speak about future career moves, living arraignments, children, financial decisions and so on. Losing a relationship with these kinds of plans can be a real game changing experience. All of a sudden, you are looking at a new path before you, full of possibilities but also full of unknowns.
Another piece to this kind of loss, is the loss of what was. Most relationships start because each person provides some form of benefit to the other. Over time, people change but we also see pieces of someone they may not have shown from the beginning. Humans tend to censor themselves for their own reasons, and after time these pieces can come to the surface. On the other hand, as humans grow, they also change. We can therefore end up in a situation where we might not recognize the person any longer, or feel any connection other than nostalgia.
How to Move Through Relationship Loss
No matter the path that has lead you, or someone you know, to a loss like this, it’s important to take care of the self first. Grief is very real in these circumstances. Grief is very uncomfortable to feel, no matter the severity, but it’s very important that you allow it to exist.
When the time is right, it’s also important to sit down and review what path led you here. Regardless of who “left” the relationship, it is helpful for personal growth to understand the “why” behind the situation. It is normal to move into blame, but important to not allow this to consume the moment. This process can take a long time for some situations as well, and there is no one-size-fits-all to the process.
Closure can be a very important thing, especially for an ending that didn’t seem to have one specific “moment”. Drifting apart is one of the most common examples of this. It happens so gradually and you find yourselves living different lives with no awareness of what that person is even doing anymore. You might realize you have no idea who they even are. If this person was a very important person to you at one time, it might be worth connecting with them to discuss the void. Finding closure allows humans to move on without regret, bitterness, or a sense of longing for the past.
Loss of Self
This is an interesting one, because it can really mean so many different things. From losing ourselves into another through relationship to another, or the subtle changes that happen over time, we might lose sight of who we are and struggle to find it again. The realization of this can be very scary. Think of the frog in boiling water scenario. We throw a frog into already boiling water, they are going to take QUICK notice that things are not okay. But have a frog in room-temp water and turn the heat on, they take a long while to notice (or sometimes not at all).
The most common examples I see in practice is the loss of self through parenting, and the loss of self through romantic relationship. We create a dynamic with the people in our life, which tends to occur naturally. Without boundaries in place from the start (or putting them in place when they are needed), we allow the status-quo to continue, even when it doesn’t work for us. We lose the ability to speak up when this happens for long enough. With parenting, we believe that throwing ourselves into it fully means we are doing it right. What we tend to forget, but notice years later, is our children pick up on this. They even begin doing it in their own relationships, because they didn’t learn how not to lose themselves in others.
Most times, we only notice this through loss of the relationship. When it changes or leaves us entirely, that is when most people say “I don’t know who I am anymore”. How do we maintain our sense of self?
The Importance of Boundaries
Knowing, implementing, and maintaining our own boundaries are one of the best ways of ensuring things like proper treatment by others. It can ensure we maintain a state of independence while also operating within a relationship with another/others. Most commonly, a person might not know what their boundaries even are. This, I would suggest, is a very important thing to explore. Whether this by on your own or with a therapist, it’s a journey of self-discovery that should be done by everyone.
Knowing your boundaries is not the only important step to this process. Implementing, or putting in place, those boundaries with people in your life is also important. It allows people the understanding of what your limitations are, and what you are willing to do for others. Our boundaries can be different for different people, but you always want to have your core values and beliefs as a foundation. Someone who can knock you out or away from your core values is not a friend.
Maintaining boundaries might be arguably the most important piece in this conversation. And I would also suggest the most difficult. Once you have boundaries in place, the only person you can count on to maintain those lines is yourself. Falling into old patterns, or allowing someone to manipulate you away from them is not uncommon. Learning to maintain strong boundaries is a lifelong journey. It takes consistent awareness.
Boundaries Exercise:
I would recommend taking time for yourself to look at a relationship in your life right now that causes you to feel dissociated from your self. What are some of the areas you have control over in terms of setting up new boundaries? What boundaries have been crossed to date, and how did that happen? Be honest, but kind with yourself on this one. We all struggle with boundary maintenance, especially when it comes to those we love. If you struggle with speaking to others about your boundaries, you can start here.