When you think of the last time you made a mistake do you remember what you said to yourself? Have you ever taken the time to think about what your inner monologue is saying? What are the words that the voice in your head is saying? And,
What is the message that you have internalized when you think of the mistakes that you have made?
While guilt and shame might feel the same, they are internalized in a very different and significant way. Shame says you are bad or wrong, while guilt says you did bad or wrong. The difference between these two messages is significant because one is tied to identity, while the other is tied to behaviour. Shame is a view of self, while guilt is a view of behaviour.
It is much easier to change what we do, rather than who we are.
Making the case in favour of guilt
Shame has also been correlated to addiction, suicidality, bullying, aggression, and eating disorders while guilt is inversely correlated with these (Guilt vs. shame). Guilt can be a form of motivation. It touches on our natural human instinct to be good members of our groups. Shame, on the other hand, tends to lead to self-fulfilling behaviours that match the very message; If you believe that you are a bad person, your actions are likely to reflect these beliefs.
Shame and guilt are universal feelings – everyone has and will feel these at some point in their life. They are often uncomfortable feelings that we would like to avoid. That makes you extremely relatable. So the next time you feel you have done something bad, remember that it was a behaviour, not a personality trait.
So what is their purpose?
Shame and guilt can be helpful tools (and sometimes necessary) to help us navigate social and interpersonal relationships. They help us maintain cohesion in a social setting by ensuring that we do not put our own desires above the desires of everyone else’s. It is also a great way for our brains to avoid doing things that do not make us feel good. Shame forces us to look inward and reflect on our actions from a standpoint of our beliefs and values. Time and time again research has shown that shame can have detrimental effects on long term mental health (The impact of shame).
Both can give us strong cues that we are doing something which goes against a certain set of values. However, shame may be a stronger indicator of motivation to change than guilt. In other words, shame may result in actual change in how we are, while others may result in apologies and reparations rather than change itself. Shame and guilt are both difficult emotions to process through. Both have their purpose and their benefits. However, shame appears to have more problematic long-term negative effects on how one views themselves. What is important to remember is that feeling these emotions is normal and trying to suppress them as opposed to process them is unhelpful.