When Parents Bring Children to Counselling
Parents often bring their children to counselling with the impression that their child has a problem that needs fixing. However, counselling is not about fixing anything. Rather counselling promotes healthy changes to increase life satisfaction and resolve issues that have been an ongoing concern for individuals. One difficult aspect of parent-child relationships is that it is inherently hierarchical. That is to say that, for the most part, parents hold a role of the authority figure and the one with the final say. As children develop and grow older, this dynamic is challenged in a number of ways.
Is It Normal That Children Misbehave?
Hearing parents say that their child does not listen to them, or that they challenge every task that they ask of them, are some of the most common concerns that parents bring to counselling.
First things first, this is NOT a bad thing. Although maddening at times, it means your child is learning new boundaries and adventuring outside of their comfort zone. Parents’ complaints about their children’s behaviours (and childrens’ complaints about their parents’ nagging) is a very natural part of growing up. Although frustrating and challenging at times, it is not unhealthy when a child challenges their parents’ demands or pushes the boundaries or rules that have been established. These are universal challenges that every parent faces.
The challenge here is to stand-firm on rules which make sense while being willing to change rules which may no longer be suitable for the child. This is not a perfect science. It will require trial and error, as well as some failed attempts. One way to overcome this difficult task is to have established good communication between parent and child. Often, a child’s disagreement with a parent’s rule is because they do not understand why that rule has been established. Being able to talk to your child about why certain rules are in place may help to alleviate this stress. Although they may not always agree, it will give them a chance to reflect on the why.
Changing Behaviours
When it comes to disciplining a child, parents many have different methods on what might work best. The word discipline comes from the Latin word to teach or to train, not to punish. Studies have shown that corporal punishment (ex. Spanking) is not an effective long-term way to discipline children. In fact, only some studies have shown the short-term benefits of it. Rather, it appears that children who are physically punished during childhood show more aggressive behaviour later on in life.
In a previous blog (https://clarityokanagan.com/changing-behaviours/), I discussed how behavioural changes are more likely to occur through positive reinforcement than through punishment. This is no different to when a parent wants to promote a certain behaviour in their own children. Highlighting the target behaviour to promote and rewarding that behaviour when it happens is more effective than disciplining a child. The relationship between parent and child will be more positive if the parents are able to highlight their child’s accomplishments and positive attributes rather than focusing on what they’ve done wrong.
Being Firm to Ensure Safety
But what if the child is being unsafe or inappropriate? This is where we return to the hierarchical dynamic of parent-child interactions. Children are a lot more perceptive than we often give them credit for, but they are still learning and developing beings. If a child’s behaviour is putting them at risk of danger, establishing rules and boundaries is necessary. This is also where providing consequences can be a deterrent from further dangerous behaviours.
Structure, guidance, and boundaries are essential for children. It is not the duty of the therapist to decide what boundaries and rules should be present in a family’s life. All families have different values and ideas of how to raise their families. A therapist can, however, help families figure out boundaries and rules that meet the requirements of the parents, but also give the child the autonomy that they are looking for. At its most basic, parents should focus on providing rules and boundaries which encourages growth and development but also promotes safety and well-being.
What and When Should Boundaries Be Set
We often base a child’s ability to take part in activities based on age. Age is an interesting (and somewhat arbitrary) focal point for a lot of adults. Children often develop at different rates and can reach certain milestones at different times. What adults perceive as being their level of maturity can be extremely advanced, delayed, or right along where they are expected to be.
However, age has shown to be a decent enough measure for rules and boundaries established by parents. For example, just because a 10-year-old is very mature and responsible, does not mean that they should be given the freedom to stay out late at night. Figuring out which rules and boundaries to stick to and which ones to be flexible on can be extremely challenging. This is why we encourage a discussion with your child. You might be surprised by the response is to these discussions.
When the behaviour is likely to cause harm however, it is the parent’s responsibility to set firm boundaries. A lot of children will push boundaries as a test of how far they can go and how much autonomy they can gain from resisting. This is why it is important to be firm when safety is a concern. A 16-year-old who decides to drive while intoxicated needs to know that these actions have consequences and that they affect their lives.
Consistency and Follow-through
Similarly to when a parent wants to establish structure, consistency is key to tackling unwanted behaviours. When a child is misbehaving, parents need to be consistent in addressing the misbehaviour. If the child is being corrected at times, and allowed to act inappropriately at other times, it will not give them enough structure to know that the behaviour is truly not accepted. Additionally, when parents warn their children that there will be consequences to a specific action or behaviour, that consequence needs to happen. We call this follow-through; If a child knows that parents only give empty threats they will feel more confident to ignore parents. This is because they are aware the consequence is very unlikely to be set in place.
So, What Are The First Steps Parents Can Take with Children Who Don’t Listen
Remember that children seek out structure, rules, and an increasing sense of autonomy. Having these rules and structure in place helps to organize their lives and prevents them from becoming overwhelmed by uncertainty. Establishing firm rules and boundaries is a great way to make children feel safe and remind them that parents are capable of making decisions. In other words, it reinforces the role of parents as a secure, safe, and trustworthy person.
When children begin to challenge rules it can be a sign that they have perhaps outgrown this rule. Re-analyzing the purpose and effectiveness of this rule or boundary may be more helpful than simply enforcing it. It may be a sign that a conversation needs to happen between parent and child – whether it is a conversation about why they rule is in place or changing the specific rule is up to the parent. Ask yourself (and any other co-parent you may have available) if this rule is serving an intended purpose. This will support the dialogue with your child about the given rule.
Like all relationships, parent-child ones require communication, trust, and a willingness to compromise in certain situations. These conversations are not easy and do not always end up being the success that parents hope they are. Having these conversations leads to opportunities for child and parent to understand each other and come to an agreement together. It builds on a concept that families should be a team, rather than a game of follow the leader.