People do not want to plan sex. This is one of the most common things I hear in practice. And I totally get it. Everything we see in movies, read in books, and the way humans boast about sex, all tell us good sex is spontaneous, and when it isn’t there must be something wrong.
Another common thing I hear is people talk about is how good sex used to be. Friends, I get it. But think about this – how can we expect this spontaneous, passionate, intense time, if we have added in careers, children (school, sports, never being alone at home, before/after school activities, etc), financial strain (mortgage, rent, bills, loan payments, debt stress, etc), alone time, time together, grocery shopping, cleaning, fighting, navigating extended family or close friend stress and travel? And these are just the “must dos” for many couples and families. If reading that list caused your anxiety to elevate, I am willing to bet you are not in the mood to get naked and have passionate, present sex with your partner, no matter how much you wish you wanted to.
So the options get limited. You either have sex thinking about your to-do list and rushing so you can get back to the things you need to do before bed time. Or you don’t have sex at all. Cue frustration from both/all of you, only increasing the tension and stress…. and around and around we go. My solution? Plan your sex! Make it a priority. Make space for it, and when you are there, BE there emotionally, mentally, and physically.
When we first meet someone who becomes a partner, we are much more devoted to making space for them. Many people meet their partners earlier in life where we place a lot of importance on finding and maintaining love. As life moves, we get comfortable, and complacent. This is natural, and how we deal with this is very important. The key to this is not to expect that spontaneity will return. You are different people now, in a different relationship, and nothing is new and shiny. Let go of the expectation of returning to what was, and create something amazing that works for you both now. Living in the past does very few people any good on any topic.
You know what I do when I’ve had a long week and want to spend my Saturday with my partner. I make time to prep the food, write the grocery list, and run the errands so I can put my feet up Saturday morning, right from the time I sit down with my coffee, and not worry about anything. If I don’t do this, I sit on my couch drinking coffee with my partner and I think about all the things I have to do while he engages in casual conversation with me. I am not present.
Think this issue might translate into sex for people? Absolutely. And it does for most people. People then feel guilty about this because sex used to be something that was effortless, so they start finding blame. Then usually come the resentments. Maybe we don’t love them like we used to. Maybe something is wrong with us, maybe something is wrong with them – and so on. Thoughts like this are sneaky and they bring forth the appropriate emotional experiences to go along with them. It’s the classic “something is wrong” which leads to frustration, and ends with behaviours that do not help solve the issue. With negative thoughts, we are not likely to engage in positive action.
If your schedule, life, and to-do list are stressful, I can assure you, every other adult in your life is feeling similar strain. This isn’t unique to your situation, I promise. How you deal with this, will be what sets you apart as a relationship. Accept the fact that you have busy lives, accept the fact that you have a lot on your plate, and that sometimes the energy is not there. Work Together to balance the stress adult life brings, support each other, and make your relationship a priority. Planning sex means you will have sex. And I would bet it will be better sex than what you might be experiencing now. Agree to a schedule, or format, and stick to it! Alternate who initiates, talk about what excites you with each other, and make it happen.