We have all found ourselves in a conflict-based situation. There is that moment for all of us when we say something biting, passive aggressive or even mean. Afterwards, we might wonder to ourselves, why would I say something like that? What purpose did that even serve? Have you ever said something so cruel that the other person is now mad at you for it, or deeply hurt by it? Do you know yourself enough to know when you’re having a reaction or response?
This can happen in any kind of relationship. We learn as children after when we have conflict with the adults in our life whether or not arguing is a safe activity. It either proves to you that the ones who love you will always be there, or it proves that people are easy to walk away. Either way, the conflicts we have in childhood inform the way we have conflict in our adult relationships. Fear of rejection, abandonment or of being a burden to others are all normal things to experience when we think about conflict. Through this, we might hide away, embody defensiveness, go into full emotional response or even disengage entirely. The trick here is learning to notice the reaction you are having, and choosing to respond instead.
Reaction
A reaction, by definition, is the action performed or feeling experienced in response to a situation or event. It is the automatic action/feeling we experience. It usually occurs very quickly, without much thought, and tends to be more aggressive or over-the-top than what might be appropriate. We learn how to react. We watch everyone react in their life and learn to do this from them. Humans learn what situations they find threatening and learn to react so as to protect themselves from perceived danger. Think of a reaction as a learned reflex, something we do without forethought. It is caused by a triggered emotion we have in us. Typically, our reactions evoke reactions from others, which is how some difficult conversations or low level conflicts become extreme fights.
Example: Your spouse says something to you that makes you instantly defensive and angry. The words “You’re just like your father” are out of your mouth before you even have a minute to remember that your spouse has a difficult relationship with their father and this is a very hurtful comment to make to them.
Response
Response comes from having space in between the triggering event/situation and thinking through the situation before offering information. It is the kind of information that results in discussion and even resolution within conflict. Responding requires someone to take the time to think through their decision. It is the difference between responding to that email immediately, with rage filled keyboard smashing and taking some time to walk around the block/go for lunch and send a more thoughtful answer. It is also far more objective than reaction is; there is usually less emotional turmoil when we are responding because we have given ourselves time to calm down. Response allows for assertiveness instead of passive-aggressiveness or outright aggression.
Example: Your parent/child say something to you that makes you enraged. You notice your hands tensing, your heart beat quickening, and your body feeling flush and suddenly hot. You state “I need a minute” and leave the room. You take 10-15 minutes to distract yourself, calm down, gather your objective response to the situation, and return to state your position. You might even ask that the other person not use hurtful language and you will do your best to also not be hurtful. You ask them what they need from the conversation.
Where to Start
To respond takes a lot of mindful effort, self-awareness and a desire to do conflict differently. Emotions have physical feelings to them. If you have someone in your life that you have consistent conflicts with, speak to them outside of conflict. Let them know that you are trying to change the way you approach conflicts and need them to understand what you need from them. Letting someone know that you might need to take a breather is a good conversation to start with. Often times, when someone suddenly walks out of a fight the other person can be triggered into defensiveness (follows you) or reacts with deep seeded hurt (feelings of rejection). Let the person know that you will return to the conversation, but are working on being more present.
Having conflict does not have to be a scary thing. If you view conflict as something that always ends in hurt feelings and angry loved ones, you might be engaging in conflict that is reactive instead of responsive. These concepts are not widely taught to children so we end up being adults who do not know how to have healthy conflict. There does not have to be yelling, swearing, or hurtful comments involved in these conversations. It just takes mindful effort and the support of someone close to you to make the first shifts.