What were you told about sex when you were first learning about it in grade school? What information did your parents give you about the emotional aspect to it? Were you taught how to say “no”, or how to take “no” from a partner with grace? What did you learn from your peers, about how to talk about sex, the opposite sex/gender and what the expectations were of your social circle? Have your asked yourself these questions, and taken a deep look at your actions? What you know to be true are called Social Scripts.
We follow these social scripts in our day to day lives (mostly without even realizing it). They colour the way we see the world, those around us, and even ourselves at times. They form our “blueprints” or rules about how we navigate sex, and how we view it in general. These lessons contribute to our emotional wellbeing, our general safety, as well as our reactions/responses to the world around us. Scripts construct our personal worldview (lens), and change how we view others and their actions. These have enormous impacts that we might not even realize they are there for a long time.
The Impact
So how do these scripts impact our sex life? First, and most immediately, shame comes to mind. I work with so many people who feel a sense of shame when it comes to sex. And many cannot place where that comes from, or what even they feel shame about. For some there is a clear backstory. But for others it’s a complex web woven by different moments in life. There are gender differences, many of which come from gender specific social scripts, which is a whole topic on its own. Second to shame is fear. Fear of not being good enough, or worthy enough because of what we have have been taught. Fear comes often around gender roles (men making money and women bearing children is the most common example. If we can fulfil our roles, our partner is likely to leave.
The main source of these scripts seems to be society and social discourse. Everything from the media to institutional power, to religion and previous generational norms influence this source. These are the main powers that control what is “normal”, what is decent/moral, what is allowable with respect to sexual expression and who holds power in sexual situations. Have you ever found yourself in a position where you felt you had no power, or no voice to speak up for yourself? Who taught you that? These concepts are difficult because, for most people, these lessons are not taught outright. Many adults will not say to a child “when he wants to have sex, you must let him” because I think most people these days know that is just simply not real.
What are YOUR Scripts?
Now think about all of the things you were not taught, and how that has impacted your experiences. What were you not taught about consent? How about communication, assertiveness, or how to handle rejection, if you have a partner, or have had one in the past, do you know what they were taught? These are questions that should be in everyone’s relationship tool box and in what they ask themselves.
Assumptions about sex and sexuality are put on us right from birth, and we have absolutely no control over this. Parents now are choosing to not reveal a baby’s sex until they are old enough to determine their gender first. This is a massive (and controversial) shift in modern parenting. If you notice yourself having a strong reaction to that, explore your scripts on that.
Self-exploration can be really uncomfortable, but it allows you to really understand who you are, where you have been, and where you want to be as a human being in relation to the world you inhabit. This can really increase your general satisfaction with life, but also within all of your relationship, whether they be romantic, familial or platonic.