Something I like to focus on in sex therapy sessions, is what we understand about the sex we have. Have you ever given thought to how you have sex with someone? How do you know if it is good? What is “good sex” in your opinion? Your partners opinion? How do you know when it’s over? When you are having sex, is the goal orgasm? Is the goal connection? Fun? Play? Is it goal based? Is it process driven? Sex is not a race to the finish line. Whatever it is, I want you to consider where you learned that from – Is your sex goal based or process driven?
How Do I Know It’s Done?
If there is one common theme I see in clients, it’s the assumption and understanding, at a basic level, that 1) good sex = orgasm, and 2) male orgasm = The finish line. Ever wonder how two+ women having sex know when they’re having a good time, or when their sexual encounter is complete?
I want you to think about these things and give serious thought to what you have been taught about the purpose and mechanics of sex. More often than not, people’s bodies do not function similarly. Likely, one person is going to have an easier time with arousal, orgasm, and overall pleasurable sensation. How do you shift how you normally have sex with someone to make it work for a new partner? Do you know the partner you have currently is getting everything they can from a sexual experience from you? Do they feel safe being honest or asking for what they need? How do you know?
Where to Start
If you are answering these questions and realizing that sex is not something you have for fun or seek as an experience, it might be time to look at some of the environmental changes that can help with this. One thing I tend to recommend to people, is looking at their technology access in the bedroom. I’m a believer that our bedrooms should be for sleeping, and for sex/play. This also does not mean you are confined to the bedroom for sex, but putting the tech away can also happen no matter where you are playing!
Using Sex Therapy as a Tool
Sex therapy is a great tool that you can utilize either alone or with others. A therapist can ask you questions that you might not be asking yourself. We can help you explore areas that you might not even think of. These ideas are generally deep within us so we don’t know what questions to be asking.