Negotiation looks vastly different from person to person. How we communicate, how well we know what our needs are, and how easily we are able to describe them to another varies between each of us. Add that into a relationship, where the other person/people have their own version of this, and you are bound to find struggles. When the needs between people clash, how do you find a path forward? How can two people come together and tackle an issue side by side, instead of fighting against each other? Negotiating within a relationship is not something most of us are taught.
Compromise, Sacrifice and Connectedness
Compromise is usually people on either/all sides of the discussion giving up something they want to ensure both/all parties get a bit of what they want. It requires both/all people to lower expectations and hopes for an outcome. Sacrifice is one or more people giving up their needs/desires entirely for the best outcome of another. Connectedness is open understanding of other peoples viewpoints and supporting them towards full realization of their desires/needs.
Finding the Win-Win
Not all scenarios are going to come with a neatly packaged compromise where everyone is mostly content. Compromise is a short hop away from sacrifice, and many times this leaves one party feeling left out or not important. Working together to think outside of the box is so important. Ask each other what the other is needing from the situation/topic at hand. A win-win is a solution or outcome where neither person feels they have to give something up. Supporting each others desires is an incredible way to be achieve connectedness.
Balancing Want vs Need
Sometimes there isn’t a win-win that leave both people feeling fulfilled and as though they are getting what they want. Understanding need vs want can help guide a conversation to an agreeable middle ground. If one person wants something, while another person needs something, this can be a very appropriate space for sacrifice. Weight out the importance of a given topic, sometimes our wants are not what is most important in the moment. This often, also, does not mean our wants will not be met once the needs are.
Things to Remember When Negotiating
- Figure out what YOU want as an outcome
- Listen to each other without judgement or presumptions; do not think of a response until they are finished speaking and you clarify points that require additional information
- Take a break from the conversation if things get too elevated
- Mirror back what the other person says to make sure you understand what they are saying to you
- Determine what are wants, and what are needs if you cannot find a win-win
- Respect each others boundaries
- You can always reach out for help if need be