Sex in a relationship can be a really tricky topic. When sex is “going well”, it accounts for what feels like 10% of what people deem to be most important in their relationship. When sex IS NOT “going well” it feels like 90% of what we deem to be most important. Sex feels insurmountably complicated when one or more in the relationship feel like something is missing or lacking. If you are placating your partner when it comes to sex, you’re likely feeling a lot of negative things toward them, sex, and maybe even yourself.
When one partner struggles with sex it is quite common that they will have sex simply to keep the peace or because they feel it is expected. We as humans can spend a considerable amount of time being concerned with the feelings of others, often at our own detriment. What we tend to do is cater to one person’s needs, and forget to ask for what we need.
Low Libido/Sex Drive
When it comes to low libido, a major contributing factor in many cases is how you feel emotionally either about sex, or about your partner. We all have a history with sex, right from the first conversations we might have had about it when we were children. Our past interactions also play a role either with previous partners or even a current one. When it comes to your current partner, take a moment right now to take inventory of your feelings towards them. If you have a lot of resentment, anger or anything else that is unresolved, it might be time to take a look at those things before trying to resolve the “sex issue”.
Biology
Medications, age, life stage and genetics can also play a role in desire or physical ability to have sex. Many medications have side-effects that impact sex drive or performance ability. Medications are something that need to be discussed with your medical team/doctor directly. Often times, we are prescribed a medication for something specific that the doctor may deem more important than sexual function or satisfaction. If you find that these risks are outweighing the benefits, speak to your doctor.
Age is something that brings both an increase and decrease in natural desire. Hormones in the body change through the decades and can impact all things sex. This can include even what our sexual interests include! People with certain bodies and hormonal make-ups can have their “sexual peak” at different times than their partner, which can also cause differing levels of sexual desire in couples/relationships. Life stage, as an aside to age, can also impact sex based on stress levels. Many humans use sex as a stress reliever or outlet, but other times stress becomes too much and overshadows all things self-care related.
Emotional/Psychological
As alluded to in a previous paragraph, how we FEEL can have a massive impact on our desire to connect through sex. In unhealthy relationships, long term relationships or not-right-for-us relationships can bring forward feelings of resentment, anger, or even fear, which leaves many people in a situation where they have sex simply because it’s easier to do than say no. Many are afraid to hurt their partner’s feelings, feel it is their duty as a partner to have sex, or are afraid of the repercussions of not saying yes.
Sex as Placation
Think about it this way … if you are having sex with someone for the reasons above, and it makes up MOST, if not all of, the sexual experiences you have, how do you think your body is going to start naturally responding to sex? I believe, if you are constantly having sex for the sake of someone else’s satisfaction or peace of mind, your body is going to stop responding altogether. Filter that through a year or more and you start thinking that there is something wrong with you and now we have shame added in to the mix.
Having sex simply to not hurt someones feelings, or because we feel duty-bound, is an excellent way to land in a life where we feel shame and disgust attached to sex and possibly even towards ourselves. It’s a good way to ensure that neither us nor our partner enjoys the experience. It also helps ensure that everyone involved is frustrated, hurt, upset and eventually resentful of each other. Resentment is such a poison to a relationship. These feelings will absolutely bleed into other areas of your life and of your relationship and ultimately many people separate because of it.
So what do we do?
Well, if you are noticing this lately, or reading this blog and nodding your head thinking “ah crap, this is definitely me” then you are in the right spot. Learning how to talk to each other and navigating what DOES work is going to be a good place to start. Counselling is great for this, but try it on your own too. Ask questions, get curious and TALK ABOUT SEX; negotiate. It’s one of the most commonly uncomfortable topics, but once you get in to it, you will be so happy you did.
If you are years into a relationship, and you already have all these terrible feelings happening towards sex, your partner, or yourself, I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with a counsellor. You do need to talk about this with each other, and see where it takes you. There is likely a lot of unpacking to do at this stage, and most people struggle to do this without a little guidance and help.
Either way, sex is rarely an individual issue. It might be heavily weighting on to one person, but it affects the entire relationship and working on it together increases chances of success in counselling. If both parties show up wanting to work on things, and willing to put in the work to get there, you are going to hit the ground running.