In conflict – whether with a partner, friend, coworker, or family member – there is often a pattern as to how individuals respond. This pattern is different for everyone and analyzing these steps can be very insightful. Once we know how we respond, it becomes much easier to control and alter the non-effective (or damaging) responses we have.
A pattern that often comes about during conflict is the need to correct, explain, or be the one who is “right”. This response can be automatic and unintentional. Where does it come from? Why do we stand our ground so firmly when it would be so much more effective to lean into the other person’s feelings and listen to what they are saying?
Have you ever found yourself in a conflict with someone, waiting for them to finish what they are saying just to say what you are thinking, without even really listening to what they are really saying? Or perhaps hanging on to a word or phrase someone else said during an argument and steering off topic to dissect the language that they are using in order to explain why they are wrong?
How may times have you patiently waited for someone to finish what they are saying so that you can explain your thoughts, only to be received by more resistance, frustration, anger, and escalation. What appeared to be a rational and calm explanation seemingly just did not come across the way you had envisioned.
The first thing to keep in mind is that in a state of conflict, where both sides are escalated, includes a myriad of emotions: Anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, confusion, just to name a few. It is unsurprising that with the combination of so many emotions individuals become less able to regulate their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Acting “rationally” and “logically” is no longer a priority. In fact, the emotions often take over – hence why conflicts can result in a multitude of emotions being expressed (both verbally and behaviourally).
Why do people’s emotions often overtake the ability to remain calm during an argument?
Our emotions are linked to our survival mechanism. When we feel threatened in our relationships, our jobs, our identities, those emotions react with a remnant of our biologically geared defense mechanisms. Now, not everything about what we do is a direct result of our instincts and emotions – after all, we very much have the ability to control how we feel and act. It’s just that it is much harder when we are inundated with intense feelings in ways which threaten our perceived notions of self and the world around us.
So, what does this have to do with resolving conflict? Well, for starters, conflict is not always a “bad” thing. As long as all parties involved are safe, conflict can be a cathartic way of expressing oneself and growing in relationships. Think of an argument a child may have with a parent – often over something seemingly trivial. When a parent becomes frustrated with a child and gets angry there is a very important lesson to be learned: The child realizes that they have pushed the boundary too far and knows that next time, their action might very well result in the same response from their parent. Moreover, a parent who realizes that their anger was perhaps unwarranted has the chance to come forward and discuss it with their child. This can be a huge learning experience for children. The child can see that the parents is able to open up about feelings and thoughts and that adults, like children, are affected by their environment and their feelings too! It can even lead to a parent apologizing for their anger but explaining that what it was that their child did that was so aggravating. It can also be a huge learning experience for parents: Realizing that their child is not intentionally angering them and that, perhaps, they are more perceptive than we often give children credit for. These conversations can open up a whole new dialogue on how we expect those around us to behave and respond.
Things to think about regarding previous arguments
When arguing with someone, what is the goal? Have you ever asked yourself, during an argument, what the purpose of this conflict is? Is it to let the other person know that they are wrong? Often, the answer to that question is “no”. When you argue with a partner or family member or coworker, it is usually not with the intent on shaming them or making them feel small. Then why is it that it often comes across that way? And why is it that others often feel small and shamed when they are in an argument?
During a conflict, the aim usually has very little to do with “them”, and a lot more to do with “us” (or you). You want to feel validated for how you feel – your frustration, your fear, your anger, your confusion, your sadness, etc. You want to know that the other person understands that there is hurt in their action or inaction. Now, apply this principle in reverse – when someone is listening to your explanation only to retort with their side of the story is their aim to make you feel small and ashamed? To make you feel wrong and hurt? Or do they simply want to be validated for their feelings? Their aim is probably the very same as yours – To feel heard, validated, and like they have some ground to stand on.
Next time you’re in an argument, think of the steps that occur. Observe the pattern and see if you can identify whether this resonates in your conflicts.
Resources:
Here are a few worksheets that can be filled out to better understand some patterns that occurred during a previous argument and potential new ways in which to approach it going forward.
https://fvuuf.org/wp-content/uploads/images/stories/conflict_resolution_worksheet.pdf
https://www.winona.edu/resilience/Media/Conflict-Resolution-Worksheet.pdf
https://www.ars.usda.gov/ARSUserFiles/ODEO/CONFLICT%20RESOLUTION%20WORKSHEET.pdf