As Esther Perel so profoundly put it; marriage (and long-term relationships by extension) has changed over the years. What once was an institution of economic and social security has now expanded to encompass so much more. Not only do we expect to have what marriage used to represent, but we have added a whole new set of standards for our partners. Couples in COVID times are experiencing another shake up to the norms we have known.
“We basically are asking them [our partners] to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given – and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that”.
Esther Perel
This represents an increase into our personalized lifestyles and a decrease in reliance on community. Humans are social beings that often rely on one another to feel connection and belonging. Humans depend on other humans for almost everything. Marriage is very much part of this system of human interaction. Often, the expectation of what we should gain from long-term relationships has shifted to the point of being unsustainable. The idea that someone can provide all these things sounds wonderful, but not one person can fill all these roles. So why expect one person to provide all the benefits of our very complex social interactions?
Relationship Changes due to Covid
With the emergence of COVID-19 and isolation recommendations, the problem has been compounded. Some researchers have already begun investigating the effect of COVID-19 on relationships. Although results are yet to be conclusive, some trends seem to show that there has been an increase in break-ups, divorce rates, arguments and domestic violence. What this appears to demonstrate is that decreasing contact with other members of one’s social circle has increased the number of issues within relationships.
Not all couples in COVID times have suffered from having to spend more time together. Some couples have expressed that more at-home-time with their partners has had the opposite effect and improved their overall relationship. This is significant because it shows that a major factor in successful couples is balance. Balancing the amount of time together to meet the needs of both partners. Couples who find that their relationships have improved have reported either finding a way to spend healthy amounts of time together and doing activities that benefit both partners. Or were, perhaps, previously not spending enough ‘quality time’ together before.
Moving Forward
As the world begins to transition back to life as it was prior to COVID-19, it is important to observe what changes have occurred in your relationships. Pay attention to how you have altered the way you communicate, spend time, and interact with others. This will help increase the ability to change the problematic ways in which you interact. Perhaps the restrictions have increased the amount of togetherness or maybe it had the opposite effect – where quality time has been scarce.
It is also important to keep in mind that these are new and unknown experiences. There is still much to discover about how the last few months have changed the way we interact with one another. We also don’t know what the longer-term effects of this will be. It is OK not to have the answers to everything. It is also important to keep trying and evaluating the relationships in order to figure out where things are missing and where things need to change.
In What Ways Have You Changed?
In a safe and secure relationship, these issues are something that can be discussed together. Asking your partner for their views on how the relationship has changed is one of the best ways to get an idea where shifts have happened. It is easy to be blind to one’s own changes and faults. Others often have a better idea of how our pattern behaviours have altered.
Practice patience – both with yourself and with you partner. These transitions have been hard for some and even harder for others. Finding yourself confused as to why dynamics in your relationships have changed is normal. These changes take time to figure out and change. Practice the same patience with your partner. The changes that they bring to your relationships are likely confusing for them as well. A healthy conversation about the changes themselves and what they mean to the two of you is a great place to start this process.
Guidance on Conversation
Having a successful discussion with your partner is most likely to occur if you are direct. These types of conversations should not be made in passing or during an ongoing argument. Since it is most likely going to be a highly emotional conversation, having both partners as emotionally regulated as possible is a safer start.
This is also not a conversation to air out all your grievances. It is about discussing how your partner sees you and your relationship. It includes what changes have occurred, how to do you communicate differently, what could be improved, and what immediate/longer-term changes would they like to see are good ways to start. Remember that it is also important to make note of things which have been positive! Whether it is things that continue to happen or things which have improved during this time. This will help make your partner feel that they are being noticed for their efforts. It shows that the relationship is not just a negative part of your lives.
In the end, it is about being open to receiving constructive criticism and being vulnerable. Remember, it isn’t all about criticism though. It can also be a conversation to tell your partner the things you appreciate about them.
Those things are not easy and require some self-reflection and self-control and a big reason why a lot of couples go to relationship counselling. If you think that your relationship would benefit from having a counsellor help guide you through these times it might be a good idea to seek out a counsellor that you think is a good fit for you and your partner.