The holiday season can be stressful for anyone, and 2020 has its own unique challenges that Canadians have never faced before. Many of us are separated from our families, and/or have to forego holiday traditions and gatherings that we sorely miss. We can all use a little extra compassion this year, our trans family members included.
This pandemic has encouraged many people to take time to themselves to learn about themselves, grow, and change, and I see the difference in my practice. Several of my clients have recently come out as trans; while it’s obviously too early to get the results of any scientific studies on this, it seems as though a lot of us are facing not only our first holiday season during a pandemic, but our first holiday season after sharing our correct gender identities with our families. I expect that this might be that much harder when we are all missing some connection this year. More than ever, it is important for us to affirm the trans people in our lives.
Reach out
I have noticed that when trans folks have recently come out, no matter their age, they will often have a tendency to take responsibility for the reactions of their family members and friends. I frequently see trans folks worrying about “making others uncomfortable” and trying to give others space. Sometimes trans folks are also afraid, with good reason, that they will be rejected if they reach out to their family members. This is why I encourage you to take the time to actively reach out to your trans family members and friends this season; it tends to be a busy season, so it can be easy to focus on shopping and preparations, but taking a few minutes to reach out can mean the world to someone else right now.
Follow their lead
While your trans family member may have trusted you with their identity, they may not be ready to share this with all of their extended family members. It is crucially important for them to have agency in how, when, and if they come out. Check in with them before any (hopefully digital and/or socially distant) gatherings of any kind to make sure that you do not accidentally out them to others.
Use their preferred pronouns
This is a good tip year-round, but in this case I am specifically talking about context-specific preferred pronouns. Related to the last point, check in with them about what language they need in specific contexts and around specific family members. Sometimes, the way to show a trans person respect and love is to use the wrong pronouns in front of the right people; however, I suggest trying to make up for this by finding ways to use their correct pronouns whenever you are alone together to affirm them. For example, if he would prefer that you call him “she” in front of Grandma, do so, then tell him that he’s a great grandson after Grandma leaves.
Switching back and forth between pronouns can be difficult for your brain! Please have compassion for yourself if you make a mistake. We hope that there will be no mistakes, obviously, but it is important to expect and plan for them. Talk to your trans family member ahead of time about how they would like you to handle the situation if you slip up in front of the wrong person.
Use their preferred name
In addition to preferred pronouns, use their preferred name; this also can be context-specific around the holidays. There are many little ways you can work in their correct name, even if you are supposed to use their old name in front of certain family members. Decorating cookies? Try using their correct name to personalize one just for them. Writing them a card or gift? A perfect opportunity to affirm them and show them respect and love.
Be on their side
Family members might still be in the process of accepting your trans family member’s news; you included. Even if you are still getting used to the idea, still questioning the validity of their identity, worried about their future, and/or grieving the loss of your own expectations for them, I encourage you to take this opportunity to show them that you are on their side. Your family member needs to see that you trust and respect them, especially if you are the parent in this situation. However they identify in the future, your actions now can help them to learn that they can trust and respect themselves.
I encourage you to defend them if/when other family members (who know about their identity) question them, misgender them, or call them by the wrong name. This doesn’t have to mean getting into a conflict. You can simply show your support deliberately in that situation; for example, when an informed aunt calls him “she,” refer to him as “he” in a sentence immediately after that. If the aunt in this example were to express irritation with you calmly supporting him without confronting her, you can reiterate that you respect where she is at in her journey of acceptance, but that you will continue to show him respect and love.
I hope that everyone stays safe this holiday season, but still find ways to celebrate and enjoy themselves. Happy Holidays!